What's Gone and What's Left

I have a little free time today to just sit back and think. I know, it's weird. It's Thanksgiving day and what I should be doing is spending time around the people I love. Well, I am, that's why I'm writing this, as a dedication to the people I love so dearly but cannot be closed to physically...

Today, I want to talk about the losses that made me stronger: the passing of my late grandfather and uncle.

I might have never told you that I live with my mother, my step dad, and my baby brother. I don't get to see my real dad that often, but of course, to me, he is also my direct family. Because of many unwanted circumstances, I never actually get to see either my mother's or my real dad's side of the family much because they live in a different city that is about two hours away from mine if travel by plane. I was also super busy all the time with school, so I only got to see most of my family members once a year during summer time. My father works in the air force, so I got to see him more than everyone else, simply because of his business trips. Despite all that, every time we saw each other, it truly felt like we were never apart.

My grandfather passed away exactly 5 years ago... November 2005... I still remember the day I received that phone call from my mother, at 1:00 in the morning. My heart stopped. His pass was the first loss I experienced away from home. My heart and soul longed to be right where my family was, to share the pain and hurt with them, and to see him for one last time. But I could not... I was only 16. Until this day, every time I think about him and how he was the last time I got to see him, tears still come naturally. I am my grandpa's oldest grandchild, and I know the love he has for me was, still is, and always will be greater than anything he had expressed. Even though unwanted things happened and separated us, prevented us from spending more time together, to my mother and I, my grandparents are still the best in-laws and grandparents anyone could ask for.

I got to learn about my uncle's cancer condition a few months before my trip home this summer. Actually they just said there was a tumor, but weren't sure if it's harmful or not... When I saw him he was still fine, I know he was in pain, but everything seemed to be better than it actually was. We talked, hung out, and spent as much time together as we could, as if we knew it might be the last time... I left wishing that he would get well soon, I told him he needed to get better so that the next time I see him we can actually go out and do something together... he just smiled... A few days after I left home to come back to the US, he had his first, and eventually became only, surgery. From that moment on, nothing clear was said, but everyone knew that "the day" would come, sooner or later. However, no one thought it would come that quickly... Only two months after I left... I got a call from my dad... and he'd already gone, forever.

I used to think I am a strong person. I am actually nothing compared to the people I love. Within 5 years, my grandmother had to go through two significant losses, one of her dear husband and one of her own son... How could she do that? She always talks about how she would be fine if they take her away now, but I know she has a strong will to live, to see all her grandchildren grow up and have our own families... She loves us with everything she has, one of the greatest unconditional love I have received.

My heart is always with my aunt and their two children... I can never imagine my life without either of my dads or my mother... I would die. How hard was it for a 19 year-old girl to see her dad's passing with her own eyes? I can't even think about it. I always say I don't regret what I do in life because everything has taught me lessons I should never forget, but not being able to be right there where my family needed me the most would be my biggest regret... All I could do is to cry with them over the phone, but to be able to that I am grateful, already. Once in a while I would receive messages from my little cousin about how much she misses her daddy, and we would cry together. Nothing can compare to the love we share, not only for each other but for the people we love. That is exactly what makes us family, and I am very thankful for that.

All my love now is with my grandmother, who I know still misses her husband and son every single moment of a day... She is enjoying life with all her other children and grandchildren, waiting for the day they can reunite. I just hope she will get enough blessings from them to be able to stay strong and healthy until the day I get married and have my own children, or her great grandchildren. I want them to see her and know how wonderful she really is, because I consider it as the greatest blessing anyone could have received...

It is Thanksgiving after all, and what I want to do is to express my love to the people who are always there for me over and over again.

No matter who all are gone and who are still here, love still remains the same and everyone will always remain in my heart. <3